Are you a wizard? Do you hate pie?
If so, we have some bad news: Scola Dondo does not want to be your friend.
This is quite a risky post for us, pie-hating wizards are one of our core demographics.
Hi Scola. Other than “Summer in the City”, what could the “SitC” acronym stand for that still relates to the event?
SCOLA: “Sitting in the City? That is so boring, it’s just the same thing but ‘summer’ swapped out… Scola in the City? So it’s just me. In the city. And that’s the event.”
Invent a new public holiday or festival, and tell us how it would be celebrated.
SCOLA: “I feel like I’m going to say one that already exists! I want to say a Pie Day, just because I really like pie. It’s like Pancake Day, but for pie, and people celebrate it as hardcore as they do Pancake Day. You’d make people pies, give each other pies… I mean, the possibilities are endless.”
What’s your favourite pie filling?
SCOLA: “Oh, all sorts of pies. For me, it’s more about the actual pastry. That’s what excites me. Like, puff pastry, shortcrust…”
In what circumstances might you consider becoming a nun?
SCOLA: “So much – so much – would have to change for me to become a nun! I don’t even know where to start. I’d have to completely change as a person, I think, to become a nun.”
If you had a time machine, where would you go?
SCOLA: “A time machine? Oh my goodness, I actually don’t know. I wouldn’t want to tamper with time. Is it just to look at whatever? Like, go to the future?”
Whatever you like! But you could see how things turn out, yeah.
SCOLA: “Ooh. [considers] I wouldn’t want to. I think I’m one of those people that would get so nervous about what I might see in the past or what I might see in the future that I’ll just not use it to do anything.”
If you could send someone else on a one-way trip in a time machine, who would you condemn to a life in the past or future, and where would you send them?
SCOLA: “I’m trying to think… I could say something really obvious, like, ‘Oh, send Trump to somewhere really bad. Like, as far into the future as when the world ends.’ But that sounds kind of violent, so…”
What is objectively the best film in the world?
SCOLA: “You know what, this is a tough one. I always had a favourite film, but it changed. I guess I’ll just say the film I watched most recently, which is The Lion King.”
That’s right, it’s The Muppet Christmas Carol.
What existing story, from any medium, would you most like to see retold with the Muppets?
SCOLA: “I mean, I’ve already kind of seen this, but Harry Potter would be interesting to see performed by puppets.”
If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?
SCOLA: “I’d be some spicy crisps. They have to be spicy. That’s me.”
What’s your favourite kind of crisps?
SCOLA: “Spicy crisps. Sweet Chilli Sensations.”
You’ve upset a wizard. He’s going to put a terrible curse on you. What do you do, as a non-wizard, to either defend yourself or make amends?
SCOLA: “Offer him a pie?”
He doesn’t like pies.
SCOLA: “Then I don’t really want to befriend him, do I?”
It’s not about friendship! He’s going to curse you because you’ve angered him!
SCOLA: “Well I’ll be angry if he doesn’t like pies, so then he has to watch out for me after that. So we’ve just got a problem on our hands there. He has to like pie. He has no choice.”
If your YouTube channel were a medicine, what would you take it for, and what would be its unwanted side-effects?
SCOLA: “It will make you giggle lots, and make you happy and all fuzzy inside. And cons would be… I don’t know. You’d have a really bad comedown afterwards, I guess!”
And how would you take it?
SCOLA: “I feel like it’s a nice gel cream. Like, a serum, a skincare…”
If you were a chaser on The Chase, what would your intimidating nickname – like the Beast or the Dark Destroyer – be?
SCOLA: “The Spice. I don’t know why, I’m just really feeling spice at the moment. The Spice.”
Finally, which member of One Direction do you think has the most hygienic bottom?
SCOLA: “Hygienic bottom? I’m going to say Zayn. Is he even a member anymore? I don’t know why, but he just seems quite particular about stuff like that.”
Thank you very much for your time. Sorry for being weird.
SCOLA: “It’s been the best interview I’ve ever done.”
Photos by George Yonge.
- Daniel J. Layton: “I basically want to be Princess Margaret”
- Lex Croucher: “I’ll just nun up and have a great time”
- Peter Kingston: “You can put my YouTube channel up your arse if you want”
- Taha Khan: “I’ve got very strong opinions about this”
- Gary C: “I’m bitter and delicious”
- Chloe Rose: “The gates of potato heaven”
- Calum McSwiggan: “A bit of toilet paper is not going to sort it out”
You can also catch up with the 2018 series, where we spoke to Riyadh Khalaf (“I am obsessed with trees”), Dean Dobbs (“Cry into a flannel and smell your tears”), Jon Cozart (“Teletubbies seemed almost sacrilegious”), Elle Mills (“I thought humping made babies”), Ricky Dillon (“Banish onions from everything”), The Midnight Beast (“Mummy wants a cuddle”), and Roly West (“I’m very much like Po”).