Elle Mills is our first ever returning guest for Infrequently Asked Questions!
At Summer in the City in 2018, we spoke to Elle about scented candles, Santa Claus, and where babies come from. And for some reason she agreed to do it all again.
So here she is at the 2019 event – which, as you’re about to find out, was actually about turtles, not YouTube – talking about bribery, time travel, and drinking beer in the shower…
Hello again Elle. Which of your fellow YouTubers do you think is most likely to secretly be a werewolf?
ELLE: “Werewolf? Secretly? Daniel J. Layton. I feel like he’s got the eyeliner thing going, the open shirt… It feels very ‘Jacob from Twilight’. Except the eyeliner. But the open shirt concept – I can see him being a werewolf.”
If you were secretly a werewolf, how would you conceal it?
ELLE: “Oh, I just wouldn’t talk. I’m a very bad liar, so I feel like I would just be very reserved and not talk to anybody. Which might come off suspicious! But I just wouldn’t say anything.”
If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?
ELLE: “Oh, I would love to be turned into McDonald’s fries. Specifically McDonald’s fries, just because— Not here [in the UK] though! Specifically Canadian McDonald’s fries. You guys need to put more salt on your stuff.”
Invent a new public holiday or festival, and tell us how it would be celebrated.
ELLE: “Elle Mills Day, on my birthday, just because I love attention and I want everyone to celebrate me. And that’s it – everyone just celebrating my birthday on July 17th, everyone getting drunk as fuck. That’s it.”
Do we give each other presents in honour of you, or do we just give you presents?
ELLE: “Only me presents. And everyone must take one shot. Mandatory.”
What about other people whose birthdays are on the same day?
ELLE: “It doesn’t matter. It’s Elle Mills Day. Their birthday doesn’t count.”
That seems mean.
ELLE: “No, fine, I’ll let it – but they’re not allowed to talk about it. It’s almost like someone else having a birthday on Christmas. It’s like, ‘Jesus had it first, sorry’.”
You’ve upset a wizard. He’s going to put a terrible curse on you. What do you do, as a non-wizard, to either defend yourself or make amends?
ELLE: “I’d be like, ‘Hey buddy, what’s up? We can talk this out. Do you need something? Money?’ And then I’d bribe him. I’m a briber. I use money to get away with a lot of things.”
He doesn’t need money, he’s got magic powers.
ELLE: “Then I would just use my charm, and be like, ‘You want to hurt me? Don’t you know who I am?’ [laughs] Just kidding! No, but I’d definitely try and, like, sweet-talk him. I’m a sweet-talker, so I’d just be really chill, like, ‘Hey. No, buddy. Let’s go watch a movie or something!’, you know?”
If you had a time machine, where would you go?
ELLE: “I’m too scared to go on a time machine. I’ve thought about it. I don’t think I would ever go in a time machine. Maybe into the future? I just wouldn’t want to affect anything from the past – I wouldn’t want to change anything. And the future just, like, scares me in general. I like being around people I know, and I feel like, if I go too far in the future, I won’t know anyone, because obviously everyone’s dead. So maybe just, like, for five seconds, just to see – like, ‘Oh, what’s going on?’, and then come back.”
If you could send someone else on a one-way trip in a time machine, who would you condemn to a life in the past or future, and where would you send them?
ELLE: “Oh my god! Maybe it has to be a fictional character. I would never be able to do that to someone. Forever?”
Well you could send them, like, a week into the future. That would be less cruel.
ELLE: “Would I ever catch up with them? Are they constantly a week ahead?”
No, they’d just miss that week.
ELLE: “Okay. [considers] Maybe I would put my brother into the Western times. When they had the guns and the horses. Because I think him, with all his tats… He wears very much streetwear, which I think would be funny in that time. He’d be like, ‘What’s going on, bro?’, and no-one would understand what he’s saying – all this slang…”
If your YouTube channel were a medicine, what would you take it for, and what would be its unwanted side-effects?
ELLE: “Side-effects would be burnout and constantly doubting yourself. And also consequences of doing dumb stuff – basically just like getting in trouble. The advantages would be to have a fun time, to want to be social, and just general happiness.”
When was the last time you smelled your finger, and what did it smell like?
ELLE: “During my last panel. I smelled my finger and it smelled like soap, because I’d washed my hands. But I was trying to smell what kind of soap it was. I’m like, ‘Ah, it kind of smells like Dove’. Now you know.”
Which member of One Direction do you think has the most hygienic bottom?
ELLE: “Harry Styles. I feel like he… Actually, no, I’m going to change it. Liam Payne. I just feel like he cleans his ass. Doesn’t he look like someone who cleans his ass? He just seems like a very pretty boy, has his stuff figured out… And also he had a photo where his ass was out recently. Very scandalous. So I was thinking about it – like, ‘Okay, yeah, he cleans his ass’.”
What is objectively the best film in the world?
ELLE: “The best movie in the world is High School Musical 3.”
That’s right, it’s The Muppet Christmas Carol. What existing story, from any medium, would you most like to see retold with the Muppets?
ELLE: “Any story? I guess it would be funny to see Inception with the Muppets. If I watched that high I’d be like, ‘What is happening?!’”
What’s the most embarrassing situation you’ve been in while drunk?
ELLE: “Oh my god, every single one. God, I’m like, ‘What should I expose myself for?!’ Maybe, like… [pause] Oh, I peed myself on purpose. I thought it would be funny, so I peed myself on purpose while I was drunk. It was at a convention. We were doing a surprise meetup, and I was drunk. It was the night-time, and I was like, ‘Should I pee my pants?’, everybody was like, ‘Yeah!’, and I did it. I peed my pants!”
And was it funny?
ELLE: “No! I felt like it was funny, but every time I’ve told that story now, everyone is not laughing. They’re like, ‘Why did you do that?’, and I’m like, ‘I don’t know, I thought it was funny!’ [laughs]”
What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes on?
ELLE: “Recently I just had my twenty-first birthday in LA. That was really fun. I usually just have a lot of fun with friends and stuff. I can’t think of anything, like, specific.”
What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes off?
ELLE: “Honestly, I keep my clothes on for the majority of my life. Not a lot of things I do with my clothes off. But maybe, like, a shower? I had a nice beer in the shower. That’s probably the most fun.”
What’s the most fun you’ve had with someone else’s clothes on?
ELLE: “I don’t really wear other people’s clothes that often. Maybe I did a challenge where I swapped clothes? Yeah, I did a challenge where my siblings and I, we swapped each other’s clothes, and we did a little fashion shoot, and that was fun.”
In what circumstances might you consider becoming a nun?
ELLE: “Honestly, I’m down to do it now. Honestly, why not?”
I feel like it would be quite a big lifestyle change. Nuns aren’t known for drinking beer in the shower, or peeing themselves for fun.
ELLE: “Oh! I was just thinking about… other things. Maybe for, like, a million?”
I think you have to give up your possessions when you become a nun, so you’d get the million dollars and then immediately lose it.
ELLE: “Then I don’t think I’d do it. Unless maybe it was the only way to save someone’s life, or something.”
And finally: Other than “Summer in the City”, what could the “SitC” acronym stand for that still relates to the event?
ELLE: “Stop It… Stop Inner Turtle Conventions.”
That’s exactly what this event is about.
- Daniel J. Layton: “I basically want to be Princess Margaret”
- Lex Croucher: “I’ll just nun up and have a great time”
- Peter Kingston: “You can put my YouTube channel up your arse if you want”
- Taha Khan: “I’ve got very strong opinions about this”
- Gary C: “I’m bitter and delicious”
- Chloe Rose: “The gates of potato heaven”
- Calum McSwiggan: “A bit of toilet paper is not going to sort it out”
- Scola Dondo: “I’ll be angry if he doesn’t like pies”
You can also catch up with the 2018 series, where we spoke to Riyadh Khalaf (“I am obsessed with trees”), Dean Dobbs (“Cry into a flannel and smell your tears”), Jon Cozart (“Teletubbies seemed almost sacrilegious”), Elle Mills (“I thought humping made babies”), Ricky Dillon (“Banish onions from everything”), The Midnight Beast (“Mummy wants a cuddle”), and Roly West (“I’m very much like Po”).