Infrequently Asked Questions with Calum McSwiggan: “A bit of toilet paper is not going to sort it out”

Our next Infrequently Asked Questions guest is Calum McSwiggan.

Dirty nuns, cosy t-shirts, unexpectedly detailed opinions about butts – this interview has it all.

(Also we are now aware that Cheetos are made of maize and not potatoes, don’t @ us.)

Hi Calum. If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?

CALUM: “I would love to be a Cheeto. I’d fucking love to be a Cheeto. Just dirty, cheap… Everyone wants a piece of you. Everyone looks at you and feels a little bit guilty, but wants to get it in their mouth.”

Who was the worst member of Atomic Kitten?

CALUM: “I don’t know any of the members of the Atomic Kitten. Mutya? Was she in Atomic Kitten?”

She was in Sugababes. She was the best member of Sugababes.

CALUM: “Oh, was Kerry Katona in Atomic Kitten? That’s not my answer, though. One of the other ones.”

If you were secretly a werewolf, how would you conceal it?

CALUM: “I think I would hide in plain sight. Like, I would become a furry, and I would just go around dressed up as a wolf all the time. Then, when I was actually a wolf, it’d be like, ‘Oh look, it’s Calum pretending to be a wolf again’.”

Which of your fellow YouTubers do you think is most likely to secretly be a werewolf?

CALUM: “noahfinnce. I just feel like he has a twinkle in his eye that suggests that maybe he turns into a wolf.”

In what circumstances might you consider becoming a nun?

CALUM: “I used to live with nuns. I used to live in Italy as a teacher, and I used to live with nuns, and they were actually really fun. They made a lot of dirty jokes. What was the question?”

In what circumstances might you consider becoming a nun?

CALUM: “I don’t know. I think if I had a bit of a meltdown, and I was like, ‘You know what? I need a break’, I would go back and live with those nuns, and become one myself. We’d just sit around and tell naughty jokes. And have no sex, because they’re not allowed.”

Sum up your Summer in the City experience so far in five words—

CALUM: “’Exhausting’…”

—that all begin with the same letter.

CALUM: “Fuck. [laughs] I can’t think of any words beginning with E. ‘Exciting’… ‘Elevated’? ‘Elephantastic’ – does that count, is that a word? Come on, help me.”

Absolutely not.

CALUM: “‘Essential’?”

That’ll do. If your YouTube channel were a medicine, what would you take it for, and what would be its unwanted side-effects?

CALUM: “It would be a really effective Viagra, with no negatives. It would just be super-effective. It works instantly. And there’s no downside to taking it.”

And how would you take it?

CALUM: “You have to insert it up your bum.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes on?

CALUM: “This interview.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes off?

CALUM: “I don’t think I can answer that for TenEighty.”

We’ll be the judge of that.

CALUM: “I went to a gay sauna in Vienna during EuroPride, and it was the best night of my life.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with someone else’s clothes on?

CALUM: “Ooh. You know, I’m going to be really cheesy and answer this question like… My ex-boyfriend, when I’d put his t-shirt on, and I’d just feel all cosy and snug. That was really nice. Really lovely.”

Which member of One Direction do you think has the most hygienic bottom?

CALUM: “Ooh, I want to say… Liam used to be my favourite, because he used to be all super twinky and stuff, but he’s so manly that I feel like he would have the most unhygienic. I’m going to say… Niall? No. It’s a hard question. No, I’m going to say Louis actually. Louis. Sorry I went round the houses.”

What are the vibes you get from Louis?

CALUM: “I just think, looking at them, I feel like Louis is the most… I don’t want to say the others don’t take care of their hygiene, because they obviously do, but Louis just looks like he would put a razor down there, and a bit of soap. A bit of fragrance, perhaps.”

That’s interesting – everyone else has interpreted it as being about cleanliness, but you’ve thought about other kinds of maintenance.

CALUM: “I’m just saying, if you don’t shave your asshole that’s not cleanly. A comedian – I don’t know which comedian it was – said something along the lines of, like, ‘If someone rubbed shit in your hair, you wouldn’t just rub a bit of toilet paper over it and go, “There we go, that’s clean”, so if you’ve got hair down there as well, it’s the same thing’. A bit of toilet paper is not going to sort it out, so either you need to shave it or you need to use a bidet. Sorry to everyone in this room who doesn’t shave their asshole. Which is probably everyone. It’s probably just me.”

Okay, that’s everything, thanks for your time.

CALUM: “That was… that was a lot.”