Today’s guest for Infrequently Asked Questions is Chloe Rose.
Here’s a 900-word interview in which we don’t mention either of those things.
Hello Chloe. If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?
CHLOE: “Oh, this is my favourite question ever. I’d probably be a chip. Or maybe a Salt & Vinegar crisp – I really like those, and I feel like a lot of people like those, but not everyone likes them. So that’s kind of like me in general.”
I’d want to be something that was unappealing, because if someone ate me that would be the end of my existence.
CHLOE: “That is true. But maybe you go on to potato heaven and become an even bigger crisp.”
Tell me more about potato heaven.
CHLOE: “When you get to the gates of potato heaven, there’s massive gold potatoes on the gates, and then you walk in and it’s a field of potatoes.”
Which member of One Direction do you think has the most hygienic bottom?
CHLOE: “I was never a fan of One Direction. Definitely not Harry Styles, because he looks like he’s got greasy hair all the time, no offence. What’s the other… I don’t know their names.”
ZAYN LOUIS LIAM NIALL.
CHLOE: “Niall? He’s the blonde one, right? Him, I guess. He just looks clean.”
Invent a new public holiday or festival, and tell us how it would be celebrated.
CHLOE: “It would be Christmas Day 2, where everyone has a second Christmas Day that celebrates the exact same thing. But it celebrates that Christmas just happened, so it’s Christmas again.”
So it’s quite close to the actual Christmas?
CHLOE: “I’d probably make it a month. Well, I kind of do anyway, because I decorate a month in advance. But if you’re extra you have to put another tree up, and put even more decorations up.”
Do you have to do the presents and the big meal and everything a second time?
CHLOE: “Yeah. Actually, I’d just make 11 months of the year Christmas. But then it wouldn’t be special. So maybe just a month.”
Which of your fellow YouTubers do you think is most likely to secretly be a werewolf?
CHLOE: “Hmm. [long pause] Good question.”
I’m glad you’re giving it due consideration.
If you were secretly a werewolf, how would you conceal it?
CHLOE: “I’m not doing a very good job, because my hair’s a mess.”
Is messy hair how you spot a werewolf?
CHLOE: “Yeah. So I’d need a hat. Or straighten my hair.”
You’ve upset a wizard. He’s going to put a terrible curse on you. What do you do, as a non-wizard, to either defend yourself or make amends?
CHLOE: “I find Merlin’s hat, and then I counteract the curse.”
What is objectively the best film in the world?
CHLOE: “I like About Time.”
That’s right, it’s The Muppet Christmas Carol. What existing story, from any medium, would you most like to see retold with the Muppets?
With Kermit and Miss Piggy as Jack and Rose?
CHLOE: “Yeah – except Miss Piggy goes over, not Jack, because she’s annoying.”
What’s the worst holiday accommodation you’ve ever stayed in?
CHLOE: “Oh, man. We went to Niagara Falls, and they’d just had a power cut. We lived, like, a couple of states away. We drove up to Niagara Falls, and that night they had a really bad snowstorm – power went out all over the town – so where we were supposed to stay was completely filled up. The entire town was filled up with people, so the only place we could get was a Knights Inn, which we now call Shites Inn. We went in, and there were spiders everywhere. There was dirt on the floor, there was blood on the bathroom floor. And I felt very unsafe! There was a big spider hanging over me that we couldn’t reach all night – woke up in the morning and it was gone, so I want to know where it went. I still have nightmares.”
In what circumstances might you consider becoming a nun?
CHLOE: “I’m considering it now, to be honest. I literally say this to my friends. Dog lady or a nun, yeah.”
If you had a time machine, where would you go?
CHLOE: “I think I’d probably go back and see Van Gogh or something, because I’m fascinated by him. Or just go back to some really poignant person in history. Walt Disney – I’d like to see Walt Disney. Yeah, I’d go back to the opening day of Disneyland, even though I don’t like Disneyland the way I do Disney World – he wasn’t there for the opening. So I’d probably do that.”
If you could send someone else on a one-way trip in a time machine, who would you condemn to a life in the past or future, and where would you send them?
CHLOE: “Don’t say your ex! [reconsiders] No, I can’t say that person either, damn it. [reconsiders] Oh, I can’t say that person either! No, but that person really deserves it. [reconsiders] Hitler! I’d send him back to, like, dinosaur age.”
If you were a chaser on The Chase, what would your intimidating nickname – like the Beast or the Dark Destroyer – be?
CHLOE: “The Paint Punisher.”
Okay cool, thank you very much for your time. You can leave now.
CHLOE: “Thank you. I enjoy your personality.”
Photos by Christy Ku.
- Daniel J. Layton: “I basically want to be Princess Margaret”
- Lex Croucher: “I’ll just nun up and have a great time”
- Peter Kingston: “You can put my YouTube channel up your arse if you want”
- Taha Khan: “I’ve got very strong opinions about this”
- Gary C: “I’m bitter and delicious”
You can also catch up with the 2018 series here:
- Riyadh Khalaf: “I am obsessed with trees”
- Dean Dobbs: “Cry into a flannel and smell your tears”
- Jon Cozart: “Teletubbies seemed almost sacrilegious”
- Elle Mills: “I thought humping made babies”
- Ricky Dillon: “Banish onions from everything”
- The Midnight Beast: “Mummy wants a cuddle”
- Roly West: “I’m very much like Po”