Infrequently Asked Questions with Taha Khan: “I’ve got very strong opinions about this”

It’s time for some more of the interviews we did at Summer in the City last year.

Our first of two guests today is YouTube dot com user KhanStopMe.

Always a good sign when your interviewee says “I’m scared” two questions in.

Hello Taha. If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?

TAHA: “Ah, yes. I would be mashed potato, please. It’s soft. I like it. It’s like clouds.”

Invent a new public holiday or festival, and tell us how it would be celebrated.

TAHA: “I see. Mondays, where you get Mondays off.”

I feel like Mondays are already a thing.

TAHA: “But do you get them off? How about this: Off-Days, replacing Mondays, and you get them off.”

You’ve invented Bank Holidays.

TAHA: “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. [pause] That is true. Damn it. Let me think about this. YouTube Day? Where you watch YouTube? I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m scared.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes on?

TAHA: “I went paintballing last week. First time I’d done that. That was really fun, and I was wearing clothes.”

Did you win?

TAHA: “I did win. They gave me a medal. MVP, that’s what they called me. And I was like, ‘Thanks’.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes off?

TAHA: “I was in the shower, and I was thinking about why buildings are called ‘buildings’ but only when they’re built. That was quite fun. I didn’t have any clothes on then.”

If you were a chaser on The Chase, what would your intimidating nickname – like the Beast or the Dark Destroyer – be?

TAHA: “Oh, it would be the Guy.”

That doesn’t sound very intimidating.

TAHA: “No, they’d be like, ‘Now you face…ＴＨＥ ＧＵＹ’.”

Oh, the scary voice helps.

TAHA: “Yeah. When you win, it’d be like, ‘He’s the Guy!’ But if you lose, it’s like, ‘You lost against…ＴＨＥ ＧＵＹ’.”

Which member of One Direction do you think has the most hygienic bottom?

TAHA: “Oh, definitely Zayn. I’ve got very strong opinions about this.”

Please share them.

TAHA (triumphantly): “Brown people and Eastern cultures wash their bottoms with water after they poo, rather than just wiping them with toilet paper. Therefore, cleanest bottom.”

Okay.

TAHA: “That was the question, right?”

It was! I just wasn’t expecting it to be something you’d previously considered.

TAHA: “I didn’t! But it was a no-brainer.”

When was the last time you smelled your finger, and what did it smell like?

TAHA: “Yesterday, after I got off the slide at Summer in the City. And it smelled of sweat, because the slide smelled of sweat.”

What is objectively the best film in the world?

TAHA: “I, Daniel Blake.”

That’s right, it’s The Muppet Christmas Carol. What existing story, from any medium, would you most like to see retold with the Muppets?

TAHA: “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.”

Which of your fellow YouTubers do you think is most likely to secretly be a werewolf?

TAHA: “Dan J. Layton. Look at him. I think he looks like he could secretly be a werewolf.”

If you were secretly a werewolf, how would you conceal it?

TAHA: “I would become a furry.”

What’s the worst holiday accommodation you’ve ever stayed in?

TAHA: “The worst holiday accommodation I ever stayed in was a prison.”

Were you imprisoned?

TAHA: “No further questions.”

If you had a time machine, where would you go?

TAHA: “I would stay here, if I’m honest.”

You wouldn’t be tempted to see what the future’s like?

TAHA: “I’ll get there.”

If you could send someone else on a one-way trip in a time machine, who would you condemn to a life in the past or future, and where would you send them?

TAHA: “I would send Sammy Paul back to when challenge videos were big. 2012. He’d have to relive it.”

If your YouTube channel were a medicine, what would you take it for, and what would be its unwanted side-effects?

TAHA: “The advantages of it would be: good work-life balance. And the side-effects of it would be: everyone would be very disappointed in you.”

And how would you take it?

TAHA: “It would be like radiation therapy.”

And finally: By the time you die, what do you want the Controversies section of your Wikipedia page to say?

TAHA: “‘Almost committed genocide.’”

Almost?

TAHA: “Almost.”

So you want to try really hard, but not succeed?

TAHA: “No, accidentally. ‘Almost accidentally committed genocide.’”

Well this has been lovely, thanks for the chat.

TAHA: “You too. So that will be used?”

Header photo by Christy Ku. Other photos by George Yonge.