Singing, songwriting, acting, vlogging. We all know there’s no end to Peter Kingston’s talents.
But we’ve never known which member of One Direction he thinks has the most hygienic bottom.
Journalism is so important you guys.
Hi Pete. Which of your fellow YouTubers do you think is most likely to secretly be a werewolf?
PETE: “It’s always the person you’d least expect, right? So someone who’s really sunshine and daisies, like Melanie Murphy. I reckon she’d be… She’s, like, so nice – lovely to everyone – and then the full moon comes… But I also reckon she’d be a nice werewolf, as well. She’s so nice. That would definitely be her.”
If you were secretly a werewolf, how would you conceal it?
PETE: “Well I’d probably go back and talk to my 14-year-old self, who was very, very emo, and just wore black all the time, and only tended to hang out at night. I’d talk to him and see if he had any tips about how to walk around and not be noticed. Right now I’m a bit too loud about everything, so I’d be like ‘I’M A WEREWOLF!’ and probably not conceal it too well. I’d have to be a bit more chill about the whole thing. I don’t know, I’d probably go somewhere… I’d do the Lupin thing, and go into a forest when it’s late at night.”
Other than “Summer in the City”, what could the “SitC” acronym stand for that still relates to the event?
PETE: “Shit I’m tired, cuz.”
Invent a new public holiday or festival, and tell us how it would be celebrated.
PETE: “There should be, like, a National Cuddle-a-Puppy day. Like, there’s National Dog Day and all that kind of thing, but there should be a National Cuddle-a-Puppy day. Someone turns up on your doorstep in the morning with a dog and just gives it to you.”
Which member of One Direction do you think has the most hygienic bottom?
PETE: “What fucking question is that?! Who wrote— Did you write these? I love the deadpan stare in my eyes.”
That’s just what my face looks like.
PETE: “That is a good face, man.”
PETE: “Which member of One Direction do I think has the most hygienic bottom? Fuck me. Zayn? Zayn was always the most— Why am I answering this so [thoughtfully]? I mean, why am I answering this full stop, but also, why am I thinking about it so much?! He always looked like the most clean-cut, and the most hygienic. They all look pretty hygienic – I’m not, like, slandering them, commenting on their hygiene – but yeah, I guess Zayn.”
If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?
PETE: “Mash. Mashed spuds. Maybe cheesy. But mashed potato, because I’m cuddly and I’m soft and… I was going to say I taste good. Not that. But I’m mushy.”
What is objectively the best film in the world?
PETE: “I want to say something like… I mean, it’s kind of biased because it’s my favourite film, but The Shawshank Redemption—”
That’s right, it’s The Muppet Christmas Carol. What existing story, from any medium, would you most like to see retold with the Muppets?
PETE: “The Shawshank Redemption, for sure. Miss Piggy would be Morgan Freeman’s character, Red. I want to put Beaker in as Andy Dufresne. Kermit would be the warden, I think. Yeah.”
What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes on?
What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes off?
What’s the most fun you’ve had with someone else’s clothes on?
PETE: “I walked around my hometown in a dress when I was 13 years old, for a fiver. They said, ‘Do you want to walk around in a dress for a fiver?’, and I said yes.”
Whose was the dress?
PETE: “It was just someone I was in the school play with, and we had some time off from rehearsals.”
Have you ever had an amusing encounter with a postman? And if not, can you please make one up?
PETE: “I was chilling playing basketball with some friends, and then a couple of postmen came over, and they were up to no good, and started making trouble in the neighbourhood—”
PETE (turning to other people in the room): “I feel like you guys could be good at answering this. If my channel was a medicine—”
I’m not interviewing them.
PETE: “They know my channel better than I do!”
Not the point!
PETE (turning back to the others): “What medicine would my channel be?”
PERSON WE ARE NOT INTERVIEWING: “I can only think of Calpol and Nurofen…”
It’s not what existing medicine it would be – it’s what would you take it for, what would it do?
PETE: “Oh, right, okay. Listen to the question, Pete, fucking hell. I like to think [there would be] a little serotonin rush, a little good time – it’s a little happy pill.”
It’s a pill, then? As opposed to, like, an injection, or a suppository?
PETE: “You can put my YouTube channel up your arse if you want.”
That’s the title of the interview sorted, thank you. If you were a chaser on The Chase, what would your intimidating nickname – like the Beast or the Dark Destroyer – be?
PETE: “I was going to say ‘the Punisher’, but that’s plagiarism as well isn’t it. The Tree?”
Final question: By the time you die, what do you want the Controversies section of your Wikipedia page to say?
PETE: “That is a great question. Jesus Christ. See, I was coming in here expecting it to be like, ‘How did you get started on YouTube?’, blah blah blah – no, abso-fucking-lutely not! [laughs]”
No, I don’t care about YouTube—
PETE: “No, I know, I love it!”
—I just really want to talk about The Chase.
PETE: “Yeah, I know, it’s great! What was the question?”
By the time you die, what do you want the Controversies section of your Wikipedia page to say?
PETE: “‘Was he on a lot of drugs?’”
And what’s the answer?
PETE: “Well that’s the controversy – was he?”
Photos by Christy Ku.
- Daniel J. Layton: “I basically want to be Princess Margaret”
- Lex Croucher: “I’ll just nun up and have a great time”
You can also catch up with the 2018 series here:
- Riyadh Khalaf: “I am obsessed with trees”
- Dean Dobbs: “Cry into a flannel and smell your tears”
- Jon Cozart: “Teletubbies seemed almost sacrilegious”
- Elle Mills: “I thought humping made babies”
- Ricky Dillon: “Banish onions from everything”
- The Midnight Beast: “Mummy wants a cuddle”
- Roly West: “I’m very much like Po”