We’re starting off 2020 with some serious, important journalism.
At Summer in the City last year, we had the chance to speak to some of our favourite YouTubers one-on-one.
So we did the only sensible thing: we asked them to invent their own public holidays, identify any potential werewolves among their fellow creators, and assess the hygiene of One Direction’s bottoms.
Infrequently Asked Questions is back and we are so, so sorry.
We like Dan. He gets us.
Hi Dan. If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?
DAN: “Well I do love a chip, as a northerner. It’s very important to me. But it has to be the right kind of chip. It’s not soggy, it’s crisp, you know? With a bit of heft to it. But I think I would be… maybe a rösti. But I think that’s maybe because I’m hungry for röstis, more than any emotional thing. Maybe take the chip answer instead.”
If you were secretly a werewolf, how would you conceal it?
DAN: “With difficulty. Well actually, I’m incredibly hairy, so I’ve already got a built-in defence. I’m just a hairy person.”
Which of your fellow YouTubers do you think is most likely to secretly be a werewolf?
DAN: “Right, I have to ask now: is this an interview, or are you paranoid? Because the delivery of that question was quite intense.”
That’s just how I talk.
DAN: “Right. I think… Amber Doig-Thorne. She’s just always around. She’s always on the lookout. She’s everywhere.”
But if she’s everywhere, surely you’d see her transform.
DAN: “No, because she’s also quite clever. Yeah, we’ll go with that.”
Invent a new public holiday or festival, and tell us how it would be celebrated.
DAN: “It would be May 16th, Janet Jackson’s birthday. And it would be celebrated with mandatory listening of Janet Jackson, all day. And Janet Jackson lessons would be taught in schools, because we need to fix the fact that she has been largely written out of the history books.”
Sum up your Summer in the City experience so far in five words—
—that all begin with the same letter.
DAN: “Very good delivery, well done. [sighs] ‘Exhausting’, comma. ‘Easily… exciting… Except… entrails.’”
DAN: “You wanted five words.”
In what circumstances might you consider becoming a nun?
DAN: “When I was younger, I used to watch a show called The O-Zone. And then, as I grew up, I would read Smash Hits magazine. And I feel like this is Smash Hits magazine. This – this line of questioning – is very Smash Hits magazine.”
That’s exactly what we’re going for, thank you.
DAN: “Yeah, it’s intensely Smash Hits, and I’m actually a little bit thrilled about it. It’s like a lifelong dream.”
Right but in what circumstances—
DAN: “Oh – under what circumstances would I be a nun? [sighs] In the winter? It’s cold, and those habits look cosy.”
What is objectively the best film in the world?
DAN: “Mamma Mia!.”
That’s right, it’s The Muppet Christmas Carol.
DAN: “No, sorry, Mamma Mia! is pure joy pressed onto celluloid—”
Yeah, like I said, The Muppet Christmas Carol.
DAN: “It’s a strong argument, but Mamma Mia!—”
What existing story, from any medium, would you most like to see retold with the Muppets?
DAN: “Tell me you wouldn’t want to see Mamma Mia! with the Muppets. Obviously Miss Piggy is Meryl Streep, and Kermit is Pierce Brosnan. I just want to see them do SOS. Actually, can I see a Muppet Game of Thrones? Let’s do that.”
Which member of One Direction do you think has the most hygienic bottom?
DAN: “Hygienic bottom? Harry Styles. Obvious reasons. Got to keep it clean, you know? You want to use it, you’ve got to… [sighs] Look at him! It’s not Zayn, is it?”
I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you.
DAN: “No, it’s Harry Styles. Harry Styles is nice and shiny, and I feel like has excellent hygiene. Look at his suits.”
If you had a time machine, where would you go?
DAN: “Studio 54 in the seventies.”
I don’t know what that is.
DAN: “Suck it. Studio 54? It’s a club in New York. A disco. Everybody – Donna Summer, all that stuff. I’d have one night in Studio 54.”
What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes on?
DAN: “I went to a Robyn gig. It was amazing. Best night of my life. It was in Alexandra Palace – SitC 2012 represent! – and it was like being at a club night with 10,000 other people. And then she stopped, and we all sang Dancing On My Own together, and it was amazing. It was amazing.”
What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes off?
DAN: “Sexual intercourse.”
What’s the most fun you’ve had with someone else’s clothes on?
DAN: “I did a pantomime once.”
Is that someone else’s clothes, though? Or is that a costume?
DAN: “Well, when you do it low-budget, people bring their clothes.”
Who did you play in the pantomime?
DAN: “I was the dame. I think it was, like, Aladdin or something – I was Widow Twankey. I was great.”
Was this recently?
DAN: “No, this was like 12 years ago. No footage of it exists anywhere and you won’t be able to unearth it.”
Have you ever had any amusing encounters with postmen? And if not, can you please make one up?
DAN: “What the hell is ‘postmen’?”
A postman is a person who brings you post.
DAN: “Oh! Postmen – I thought that was, like, a YouTube group.”
You’re an idiot.
DAN: “I actually do have a story. A postman tried to deliver an item. I was in the flat all day, and he claimed that I wasn’t there. But the picture that he took to show where the package was left was his own finger. It was just a picture of what I ascertained was the edge of my door, and his finger. And was the package there? No.”
If your YouTube channel were a medicine, what would you take it for, and what would be its unwanted side-effects?
DAN: “It would soothe you. It would calm you down, and probably reduce a fever. Side-effects would be drowsiness and occasional outbreaks of spontaneous dance.”
And how would you take it?
DAN: “You inject it directly into your veins. You wrap a belt around your arm and find a vein. Print that.”
By the time you die, what do you want the Controversies section of your Wikipedia page to say?
DAN: “Oh, what a fucking brilliant question. What would I want the Controversies section of my page to be? I would like to have potentially had an affair with a member of the Royal Family. Like, an extended distant cousin. Obviously it wouldn’t have really happened, but there are rumours, and nobody’s 100% sure. And Emma Watson and I – our marriage is known for… I basically want to be Princess Margaret, you know?”
Speaking of Emma Watson, after we did Ciaran OBrien’s TenEighty cover interview a few years ago, Ciaran told us he was thinking about replacing your cardboard cutout of Emma Watson with a custom version that had his face on her body. Did that ever happen?
DAN: “Listen, it gets worse. Ciaran bought a Rupert Grint to go with Emma Watson and then, in a fit of comedy, he bought me a Fleshlight, and attached the Fleshlight to the cardboard cutout [of Emma], and hid it in my room.”
Okay cool, that’ll do. It’s good to end on a Fleshlight anecdote.
DAN: “I’ve got so many.”
- Riyadh Khalaf: “I am obsessed with trees”
- Dean Dobbs: “Cry into a flannel and smell your tears”
- Jon Cozart: “Teletubbies seemed almost sacrilegious”
- Elle Mills: “I thought humping made babies”
- Ricky Dillon: “Banish onions from everything”
- The Midnight Beast: “Mummy wants a cuddle”
- Roly West: “I’m very much like Po”