Infrequently Asked Questions with Steph Kyriacou: “Wrap yourselves up in a burrito-coloured shawl”

Hi guys, here’s a fun interview about the accidental murder of a frog.

After Steph Kyriacou got involved with our interview with Jake Edwards at Summer in the City last year, we invited Steph back for his own. (Steph brought a friend with him too – everyone say hi to Jay.)

Here’s how it went.

Hi Steph. When was the last time you smelled your finger, and what did it smell like?

STEPH: “This morning, and that was because I put my moisturiser on my face, so I wanted to see how it smelled.”

Was it nice?

STEPH: “It was good. It’s a really good moisturiser.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes on?

STEPH: “Maybe Thorpe Park? I love it there.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with your clothes off?

STEPH: “Let’s just say there was a night recently that was very fun.”

What’s the most fun you’ve had with someone else’s clothes on?

STEPH: “I’m going to say SitC last year [2018]. It was really fun.”

If you had a time machine, where would you go?

STEPH: “Definitely the Jurassic period, to see all the dinosaurs.”

If you could send someone else on a one-way trip in a time machine, who would you condemn to a life in the past or future, and where would you send them?

STEPH: “I’d send Donald Trump way, way back in the past to where he can’t hurt any of us now.”

Have you ever had an amusing encounter with a postman? And if not, can you please make one up?

STEPH: “I don’t think I have, but I could probably make one up. So imagine that a postman’s coming to the door, and he’s going to post something through my door, and he looks through my window, and I’m just stood there naked dancing to ABBA, because why not?”

Do you do that in real life?

STEPH (proudly): “I DO. Yep. That is a thing that I do.”

If your YouTube channel were a medicine, what would you take it for?

STEPH: “I like to think it would be some form of serotonin, so it would hopefully make people feel happy – it would boost your mood.”

And how would you take it?

JAY: “Up your arse! Up your arse!”

STEPH: “I was going to say I’d go with injection, but yeah, just go with suppository – why not?”

What’s the most embarrassing situation you’ve been in while drunk?

STEPH: “Ooh! Erm… God, there are so many. Okay, there was one – it’s embarrassing and also mortifying – where I was really drunk, and I was running through my friend’s garden with just my socks on, and I felt myself step on something. I was like, ‘What did I just step on? That was really strange.’ And all my friends were very nice, and they said, ‘Don’t worry, it was just a snail’ – which is not ideal! But they went, ‘It’s just a snail, don’t worry about it’. I was like, ‘Oh, that’s really sad’, you know? The next day, I was like, ‘Guys, I remember running through the garden and stepping on something, and you said it was a snail. Was it a snail?’ And they went, ‘No, it was actually a frog, and you killed it, but we didn’t want to tell you at the time because we thought you’d be really upset’. So that has stuck with me. That’s about four years old, that story, and it has stuck with me ever since, because I’ve been traumatised from it.”

One of the other questions we’ve asked in these interviews is “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever stepped in?” – is this the answer to that as well?

STEPH: “That also, yes – definitely a frog. I feel so bad. I love animals. I did not mean to do it. It was horrendous.”

Invent a new public holiday or festival, and tell us how it would be celebrated.

STEPH: “I think there should just be a Burrito Day. People do not appreciate burritos enough, and they’re just literally one of the best foods ever invented. So yeah, Burrito Day – it would be celebrated by everyone getting burritos, but for free, and you can just sit around as a group and eat free burritos. What else would you want?!”

Are there decorations and things?

STEPH (like this is obvious): “Well, yeah. I mean, everyone could dress as their favourite kind of burrito – you wrap yourselves up in a burrito-coloured shawl, have a red hat if you like salsa, a green one if you like pickles, a yellow one if you like cheese… Just whatever.”

What is objectively the best film in the world?

STEPH: “Jurassic Park.”

That’s right, it’s The Muppet Christmas Carol. What existing story, from any medium, would you most like to see retold with the Muppets?

STEPH: “Jurassic Park. I want to see Miss Piggy as a T-Rex. But also maybe as Ellie Sattler, who’s the paleobotanist in Jurassic Park – I would love to see her played by Miss Piggy, I think that would be absolutely hilarious.”

Other than “Summer in the City”, what could the “SitC” acronym stand for that still relates to the event?

STEPH: “I had a think about this, just because I heard Jake’s one yesterday. Mine would be: Steph is trans, cool!”

Does that still relate to the event? Is that why everyone is here?

STEPH: “Yeah. That’s why everyone is here. Why else would people be here?! [laughs]”

If you were a potato, which potato-based food product would you most like to be made into?

STEPH: “Oh, a sweet potato.”

That’s a different vegetable! You’re a regular potato and you’re going to be processed in some way – you just have to choose what it is.

STEPH: “Oh, I see. Probably one of those cool waffle fries. I like those.”

By the time you die, what do you want the Controversies section of your Wikipedia page to say? You came up with Jake’s one, so really he should be answering this for you.

STEPH: “I did come up with Jake’s one, that’s true, but he’s not here! Hmm, what do I want my Controversies section to say?”

JAY: “Controversy? ‘Do you need dysphoria to be trans?’”

STEPH: “No, I said that for Jake, though! That’s the thing! Mine would probably just be, like, ‘Are trans people even real?’ Like, ‘Do we exist?’ That would be my Controversies section – people just having straight-up arguments about us. So my Controversies section would be me fighting TERFs, essentially. Yeah, that’d be it.”

Final question: You’ve upset a wizard. He’s going to put a terrible curse on you. What do you do, as a non-wizard, to either defend yourself or make amends?

STEPH: “Just gently kiss him. Consensually. And see what he says.”

He’s quite angry with you.

STEPH: “Is he? Well I’d say, ‘One second – calm down for a sec. Can I give you a little peck? And then we’ll see where we go from here.’ And then maybe he’ll like me after. We’ll see.”

Want more?